Scene

Women wants the men to change, but the men do not want to change.
Men do not want the women to change, but the women change.

As much as people want to argue that if you love a person, you can change for them. However I believe otherwise. As much as love is a catalyst for change, one must remember that there was a person whom you fell in love with once up on a time. In order to make things work, you take a step back, I take a step forward, and vice-versa. Inevitably, one person takes too many steps back, one takes too many forward.

My point here is this. There was a person I used to love for who she is. Gradually I failed to love what she has become. Maybe it wasn't the changes, perhaps it was familiarity, and familiarity bred contempt. Even so, I have also become something I wouldn't think I would be.

There was so much hypocrisy. I have no interest in commitment. Yet every time asked I would need to keep her happy, I would say yes, I would do this I would do that in the future. Buy a car? No intention whatsoever. Start a family? Nope. Get married? Nowhere in the near future. Grow up, get rich, get a house, a car, go on holidays... Too many dreams yet too little realism. None of these is factored into my plans for the future.

The least I can do is to be fair to her here. Let her go. I'm not ready yet, not for a long time more. My career, my education, even my fun is pretty high in priority. She's not young anymore. Let's not hold each other up.

I spent every weekend with her. Every. Rarely do I ever get my own time to do my own stuff, to go out with friends, to stay up late and party, to do crazy things. Hold it right there. Where did my life just go to? Its always You-time, where is the Me-time. I don't even visit my only surviving grandparent more than twice a year, why am I always visiting hers every weekend? I don't even like it there. I can't have time to play my guitar, to socialise, to just sit down, relax and chill out. Saturday is my free time to give to her, but oh wait a minute, Saturday... hrm... go out with friends, work.... boyfriend? Nope, that would be Sunday with the relatives. Who are we kidding. I'm dating my girlfriend not her relatives.

Yet so many things wasn't anybody's fault. If anything it was more of my own fallibilities. I know her parents treat me well, but the more they treat me well the more I think there's something wrong. I'm not that nice a person. At all. Period. I can't even begin to explain how I feel. Its like a girl being really nice to you but you don't really have the same fondness for her. Catch my drift? I'm faking niceties, was I willing to do all those things? Not really. Look at how I treat my own parents. Everything became so guilt driven.

I think above all I need freedom, I need to breathe. I can't do a single crazy thing without somebody making some remarks. Maybe I'm used to my parents not batting an eyelid. But I would expect, of all people, her, to understand, to at least say nothing. But why did I have to get laughed and ridiculed for something I loved and wanted to do? Why do I have to care about anybody's opinion? Do their opinions matter? No. Do I require their opinions? No. I want to grow my hair long without having to seek permission. I want to dye my hair without having someone breathing down my neck. I want to stay up all night doing whatever I want to without someone berating me. And why can't I? I didn't stop her. Why not me? I want to listen to all the heavy metal I want to. I don't want to have to listen to some wimpy pop trash just to please her. I don't go to a KTV only for her to get angry with me because I don't want to sing. Why does all these little things grate on her so much? I don't complain about her not listening to my music, not watching my shows, not reading my books do I?

The love simply faded, to the extent where I do not want to let it drag on anymore than it should. Whoever that reads this might think its just a whole bunch of sorry excuses. True, I concur. But that doesn't mean I give a shit about what anyone thinks. So much anger, I hope the venom has been expended....

. . . . Tuesday, January 22, 2008 ; 8:47 PM

Dream Theater Chaos In Motion World Tour Singapore Leg

MUST CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT COS ITS DAMNED FUCKING COOL. LOOK AT THE LAST FEW MINS WHERE EVERYONE WAS CLAPPING ALONG. HOLY SHIT!!! GIVES ME GOOSEBUMPS TO WATCH AND RMB WHAT IT WAS LIKE STANDING RIGHT AMONGST THE CROWD IN THE RAIN.